


Why Do We Even Have That Bathroom?

by MyOwnSuperintendent



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, F/M, Non-Explicit Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 18:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7278478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyOwnSuperintendent/pseuds/MyOwnSuperintendent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Second Wizarding War is at its height, and many members of Dumbledore's Army, not wanting to die virgins, are using the prefects' bathroom to achieve their goals.  Hannah Abbott and Ernie Macmillan decide to do the same--strictly as friends--but the results are much more uncomfortable than satisfying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Do We Even Have That Bathroom?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Harry Potter or anything related to it. Hope you enjoy!

 

There was laughter coming from the group of girls behind Hannah, positioned on the other side of some bushes where they couldn’t see her.  She should move, maybe, not listen in on their conversation, but somehow she didn’t want to; it was comforting, in a way, to hear that sound.

“Ah, the great Terry Boot!” Lavender said.  “Faces down death daily, can’t look a girl he’s shagged in the eye.”

“Are you sure you’re not holding out on us?” Padma asked.  “Did the whole thing go terribly wrong?”

Parvati laughed again.  “I’ve already proven I’m more than willing to kiss and tell.  Why would I hold out on you?  It was just like I said.  It was fine.  I didn’t expect it to be incredible.  Definitely nothing happened that justifies him acting like this.”

“Maybe he’s fallen for you,” Lavender said.

“I seriously doubt that,” Parvati said. 

“Maybe he thinks you’ve fallen for him,” Padma said.

“Well, then he’s wrong,” said Parvati.  “I don’t think so, though.  I think he’s just being weird.  We were both very clear that we were only doing it because we didn’t want to die virgins.  And now we’re not, so I’m satisfied.  Let him act like looking at me will kill him if he wants.”

“Well, I’m glad I did it last year,” Padma said.  “I wouldn’t want to be wondering what it’s like now, but I wouldn’t want to do it with some weird bloke in the prefects’ bathroom just for the sake of doing it.”

“Weird bloke!” Parvati exclaimed.  “Are you implying that I have poor taste in men?”

“Excuse me, but he is a weird bloke,” Padma said.  “I didn’t think so before this, but now he practically runs across the room if you come within five feet of him.  That’s weird.  It’s like Lavender said.  There’s a war on.  If he’s not scared to be in the DA, he shouldn’t be scared to acknowledge you.”

“Blokes,” Lavender said in a faux-wise voice.  “Who can fathom them?”  The three burst into laughter again.

They were quiet for a moment, and then Parvati spoke again.  “How about you, Lavender?  Do you want to do it with anyone?”

“I don’t know,” Lavender said.  “I definitely get how you felt, Parvati—I want to know what it’s like, and I wouldn’t want to miss out on that.  And I know I definitely could if I wanted to—I mean, you’ve seen the way Seamus is acting.  But I don’t really want to do it with him.  There isn’t really anyone I do want to do it with, you know?  So I don’t know.  Not right now, I guess.  Maybe I’ll change my mind.”

“You don’t have to change your mind,” Parvati said.  “It’s your choice.  I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

“Oh, you didn’t!” Lavender said.  “It’s all right.  Anyway, I don’t think I’m really missing out, from what you said.”

Parvati snorted.  “Ouch.” 

“Well, you said you didn’t see what the fuss was,” Lavender said.

“Yeah, that’s true,” Parvati said.  “But I’m still glad I did it.  Just in case I never get another chance, you know…I’m glad I did it.” 

They stopped talking then, and, on the other side of the bushes, Hannah bit at her lip in thought.  Such conversations weren’t new to her.  Parvati and Terry were far from the only two in the DA who’d decided that, with life as uncertain as it was, they’d better seize the moment to avoid dying virgins.  Hannah had heard people making jokes about queuing up for space in the prefects’ bathroom, had seen the exchanges of looks and the couples slipping off together.  Sometimes they were people who’d been together for a while; sometimes it was the start of something; sometimes they were like Parvati and Terry, interested in helping each other out for the moment but not in anything more long-term. 

Not everyone was doing it.  Hannah was still a virgin herself, for one, and she saw Lavender’s point of view.  It didn’t seem worth having sex with someone you didn’t really like just to find out what it was like.  You’d probably end up more disappointed than anything.

On the other hand, she couldn’t help thinking about what Parvati had said: that she was glad she’d done it, in case she never got another chance.  Even though she didn’t like to focus on it, Hannah knew that Parvati was right about the second part.  Any or all of them might never get another chance.  No one from the DA had been killed yet—plenty of horrible things had happened, but not that, thank God—but Hannah didn’t have any illusions that it was impossible.  She didn’t think that anyone else had either.  They had all chosen to do this, and they didn’t regret it.  But it made things different than they would otherwise be.

If things weren’t like this, Hannah wouldn’t really be thinking about having sex.  She might be curious about it, of course, but she was like Lavender: she didn’t have someone she really wanted to be with.  But now…she didn’t want to miss that chance altogether.

She’d thought that maybe she should ask someone she didn’t know as well.  It might be less uncomfortable afterwards that way.  But from what she’d heard Parvati saying, it didn’t seem like that was necessarily the case.  And Hannah wasn’t sure if she’d feel comfortable, in the moment, with someone she wasn’t close with: if she’d be able to relax at all, if she wouldn’t come out of the whole thing feeling totally dissatisfied.

It would be better with a friend, she was thinking now.  And she thought of Ernie.  That was just another sign of how different things were now: under any other circumstances, Hannah wouldn’t have thought of Ernie and sex in the same sentence.  They’d been friends since they were eleven, and they’d each seen the other in plenty of embarrassing, far from romantic situations; they almost knew each other too well for this.  She liked Ernie a lot, of course, but she didn’t think of him as sexy.

He was a good person though, a kind person, and she trusted him.  If they did have sex, she knew that he would do his best to see that it went well for her.  He was also someone she could talk to; they spent a lot of their spare moments together now, discussing how things were going.  They’d admitted to each other how afraid they were, and she even felt like she was able to talk about her mum with him, sometimes.  She didn’t do that with most people.  But he was always really good about it.

Well, she could at least talk to him about this, Hannah thought.  They didn’t have to jump into bed (well, not into bed, really—most likely into the prefects’ bathroom) immediately.  Ernie might not like the idea, and if he didn’t, that would be all right with her.  She wasn’t going to make him do anything.  She still wasn’t sure about it herself.  They would talk about it together.

Hannah found an opening two days later.  She was walking out of class with Ernie, not talking about anything much; near them, she could hear Parvati and Lavender laughing again.  “Just look at his face!” Lavender said.

“It’s getting too ridiculous,” Parvati said.  “It’s not as though we’re the only people who’ve ever had sex!”

“What do you think about all this stuff?” Hannah asked Ernie.

“All what stuff?” Ernie said.

“How everyone’s having sex,” Hannah said, “in case we never get another chance.”

Ernie shrugged.  “If they want to do it, it’s their business.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Hannah said.  “I didn’t mean it in a judgmental way.  I just meant…have you thought about it?”  Ernie didn’t answer; he blushed, though, and Hannah thought that maybe this whole thing wasn’t a good idea.  “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s all right,” Ernie said.  “I mean, yes, I have thought about it.  There are so many people talking about it, it would be pretty hard not to think about it at all.  But not really seriously.”

Hannah nodded.  “It’s…it’s kind of hard to know what to do.  I don’t think I’d want to do it just to do it, with someone I didn’t like.  But I get why people don’t want to miss out, too.”  She felt a little awkward talking about it, but Ernie didn’t look like he thought she was being weird or anything.  He was nodding, and he looked like he understood.  Seeing that, Hannah felt better.  She decided that she should at least bring her idea up.  If she didn’t, she would probably keep wondering what would have happened if she had.  “I was actually thinking,” she said, “only if you wanted to, that maybe we could do it together.”  She looked down.  “If you think it would be a good idea.  I’m not sure.  We could talk about it.  If you wanted to.”

Ernie put a friendly hand on her arm, and that made her feel better too.  “Do you want to…go out?” he asked, sounding more confused than anything.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but no,” Hannah said.  “You’re one of my best friends, Ernie, but I don’t…I don’t really think of us like that.”

“No, I don’t either,” Ernie said.  “But why do you want to…to sleep together then?”

Hannah smiled at his phrasing; she’d never thought about it before, but that was just the way that Ernie would put it.  Then she turned serious.  “We could die, Ernie.  And if that’s going to happen, I think I would like to have had sex once.  And you’re my really good friend…Even though I don’t think we should go out, you’re the person I’d most want to do it with.  But only if you wanted to do it too.  Like I said, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.  I don’t want to hurt what we have now or anything.  I guess I…I guess I just wanted to know what you think about it.”

Ernie was quiet for a few moments.  “I might think about it for a bit,” he said, “if that’s all right.”

“Of course,” Hannah said.  “Of course it’s all right.  There’s no hurry.”

“Well, there is, in a way,” said Ernie.  He was right about that, Hannah realized; if the point was to have sex before they lost the chance, every minute counted.  “I’ll try not to take too long.  I just never thought about it before, so I’ll have to think about it now.”  He looked a bit anxious.  “You really don’t mind, then?  I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You’re not disappointing me,” Hannah said.  “And you won’t.  Really.  Whatever you decide is completely fine.  If you don’t want to, I’ll understand that.  I won’t think that it means that you don’t like me or anything.”

“Good.  Good,” Ernie said.  “Because that wouldn’t be what it meant.  You are my best friend here, Hannah.  I just need to think about this.”  Hannah nodded, and they changed the subject.

All three of them were out of breath when they reached the Hufflepuff common room a few evenings later.  They’d been on one of their DA missions, putting graffiti on the walls, and they’d heard a noise and taken to their heels just as they were finishing up.  “Are you all right?” Susan panted, clutching at her side.

“I’m fine,” Hannah said, her own voice coming out breathless.  “You?”

“Just winded,” Susan said.  “What about you, Ernie?”

“I’m all right,” Ernie said.  “Do you think anyone saw us?”  Neither Hannah nor Susan answered; none of them were sure what they’d heard.

“There’s nothing we can do about it now,” Susan said at last.  “I think I’ll get up to bed.”  She turned and headed for the girls’ dormitories. 

Hannah was about to follow her when Ernie spoke.  “Hannah?  I’ve thought about what you said.”

“Oh,” Hannah said.  “What do you think, then?”

“Well, I’m willing to take the plunge, so to speak,” Ernie said, and Hannah had to fight not to giggle.  “I wasn’t sure, because I feel the same as you do—that we’re better as friends, that is.  And I wouldn’t want to hurt that either.  But I think we’re good enough friends not to hurt that.  And with everything that’s been happening…I think you’re right, it’s better not to miss the chance.”

Hannah nodded.  “Just one time,” she said.

Ernie nodded too.  “Right.”  They were quiet for a minute.  “I suppose we should read up on contraceptive charms.”

“Yes, I thought that too,” said Hannah.  “We can find that in the library, I imagine.  And then…I thought we could go to the prefects’ bathroom?”  She smiled.  “Not the most creative idea, I know.  But we can be alone there.”

“All right,” Ernie said.  Another brief silence.  “And if there’s anything in particular you want to do, or don’t want to do, or if something’s bothering you or anything like that, you will tell me, won’t you?  I do want this to go well for both of us.  That is, if we’re going to do it, we might as well do it the right way, don’t you think?”  He smiled at her.

Hannah smiled back.  It had been a good idea after all, she thought, and she’d been right about Ernie: he would do everything he could to see that she had a good experience.  “I think so too,” she said.  “Later this week sometime, then?”

“That’s good,” said Ernie.  “We’ll talk.  Once we’ve looked up the charms.”

Over the next few days, Hannah tried to keep her ears peeled for talk about who might be having sex in the prefects’ bathroom and when.  While it was a fairly private spot, that very fact made it a popular one, and she didn’t want to be in there with Ernie and have some other couple wander in.  Or have someone wander in to take a bath, for that matter, but she thought they could prevent that by going at a late enough hour. 

“Maybe Wednesday around twelve-thirty?” she asked Ernie as they sat in the common room on Monday evening.  They were pretending to be studying for Herbology, but they really had their heads bent over a library book he’d checked out that showed how to cast different contraceptive charms.

“That seems fine to me,” said Ernie.  “Should we just meet down here?”

“All right,” Hannah said.

On Wednesday night, Hannah slipped out of bed quietly; she was pretty sure that the other girls were asleep, but it didn’t hurt to be careful.  As she dressed herself, she wondered if she ought to put on something special—fancy knickers or something like that—but she decided that it was a silly idea.  She wasn’t trying to seduce Ernie, after all, and she didn’t really need to impress him that way.  The knickers she had on were fine: they were clean, and the elastic wasn’t coming out or anything.  She finished dressing, straightened her robes, and peered into the mirror as well as she could in the dim light of the room.  She looked a little pale, she thought, but mostly all right, and she headed out of the dormitory and into the common room.

Ernie was already there, waiting for her.  “Are you ready to go?” he asked.  His voice sounded strange.

“Yes,” Hannah said.  “Are you all right?”

Ernie smiled.  “Yes, I’m all right.  It’s just…a bit odd.”

Hannah nodded.  “It is.  But we’re in this together, aren’t we?” 

She smiled back at him, and when he said, “Of course we are,” his voice didn’t sound strange anymore.  They walked out of the common room then; they were cautious as they moved along the halls to the prefects’ bathroom, but no one seemed to be around, not even any of the ghosts.  The bathroom itself was deserted too, thankfully, and they both perched on the edge of the tub.  Hannah imagined that she wasn’t the only one wondering how to begin.

“Shall we put some water in?” Ernie asked after a moment, and Hannah nodded.  It was rather fun, actually, filling the tub; they’d both been prefects since fifth year, so they knew the different taps by now, and they talked about which were their favorites, adding a bit of this and a bit of that.  When it was filled, Ernie asked, “Should we take our shoes off?”

Were they going to do this whole thing bit by bit?  Take their shoes off and then take their socks off and then take their robes off and then…?  Hannah didn’t think she’d be able to stand it.  “Let’s just take everything off now,” she said.  “It’ll be easier that way.  Then we can just get started.  If that’s all right.”  Ernie seemed surprised for a moment, but then he nodded.

Hannah didn’t look at him while she undressed; she concentrated on unlacing her own shoes, on pulling her robes over her head, on unfastening the clasp of her bra.  But everything was off soon enough, piled by the side of the tub, and she snuck a glance at Ernie then.  He was naked too, and she didn’t know what to say.  Should she say something nice about how he looked?  It would be only polite, she felt, but maybe it would make the whole thing even more strange: maybe it would seem like she was flirting with him, like she wanted this to be more than a one-time thing after all.  But if she didn’t say anything, maybe he would think that she thought he looked awful, and she wouldn’t want him to think that, and anyway she didn’t think he looked awful.  And if she were going to say something, what should she say?  She’d never seen a boy naked before, and she didn’t know what you were supposed to say.  She remembered her grandmother saying that if a boy took you to a party you should tell him that he looked very handsome, but that didn’t seem to apply here at all. 

As she was frantically trying to decide whether to say something and what that something might be, Ernie forestalled her.  “You look pretty.”

Yes, that was good.  Something simple.  “Thank you,” Hannah said.  “So do you.”  Oh, no, that wasn’t right.  That wasn’t right at all.  “I mean…well, I mean you look nice.”  She knew that she was blushing now.

Ernie didn’t seem upset, though, and he reached out and took her hand.  “Here,” he said.  “Let’s sit down again.”  And they sat back down on the edge of the tub, their legs dangling into it this time.

“Want to get started?” Hannah asked, and Ernie nodded.

It was much like Hannah had imagined.  They kissed first, for a little bit—that wasn’t the point, of course, just kissing, but it was nice to do, to steady their nerves.  It felt strange kissing Ernie, whom she’d known since they were just kids, but there was something good about that knowing him too, about that familiarity and trust.  It stood them in good stead, too, when it came time to go beyond the kissing.  They were able to talk to each other as they touched, to ask questions, to figure out what was comfortable.  Of course it wasn’t perfect: Hannah hadn’t expected it to be.  There was that weirdness that came from being with someone she didn’t see in a romantic way, of doing it only because they were worried about what might happen to them.  And since they were both virgins, there was what she imagined was the usual weirdness: not knowing what to do with all your body parts or how fast or slow to go.  But she was glad she was with Ernie.  She really was.  He was really good about everything: patient and thoughtful, and he even made her laugh once or twice.

Afterwards, they sat in the tub for another few moments.  Hannah felt like she should say something, but she wasn’t sure what it ought to be.  She settled for “Thanks, Ernie,” which seemed to get across what she wanted.

“Thanks to you too,” Ernie said.  “I hope it was all right.”

Hannah nodded.  “It was,” she said, and then they got up and dressed.  They didn’t talk as they walked back to the Hufflepuff common room, again on the alert for anyone who might be prowling the halls, and all they said before they went back to their separate dormitories was “Good night.”

She didn’t see Ernie at breakfast the next morning, but he was sitting there when she walked into Transfiguration, the first class of the day.  They usually sat next to each other, and there was an empty seat next to him.  Hannah had started walking towards it, automatically, when she realized that she wasn’t quite sure that she wanted to sit there. 

Why was that, though?  Why didn’t she want to sit next to Ernie?  Did it have something to do with last night?  That didn’t make any sense, though—it wasn’t as though anything had gone wrong.  Ernie had been perfectly good about everything.

Only…only if she sat next to him, what would they talk about?  Should they pretend that it had never happened?  That would probably be the best thing to do; after all, they had decided that they weren’t going to do it again, and in that case there wasn’t anything to say about it now.  It had happened, and it had gone well enough, and now they weren’t virgins any more, and if they died they had the satisfaction of knowing that.  It was done.  She should sit next to him and talk about the homework, just like they always did.

But it was impossible to pretend that it had never happened!  If she tried to talk about the homework, she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on it at all.  She’d start thinking about how they’d had sex.  About how now she knew what he looked like naked.  Now she was picturing it.  She didn’t want to be doing that at all.  She wasn’t picturing it in a sexy way either.  It was just in a weird way.  Boys looked weird naked, Hannah decided.  Or at least Ernie did.  Or maybe it was just weird because it was Ernie, Ernie who was one of her best friends, only now she could barely face the thought of talking to him.

Professor McGonagall came into the classroom then, and Hannah had to sit down somewhere.  She decided that it couldn’t be next to Ernie.  She slipped into the closest empty seat instead, next to Padma, and bent her head over her bag, getting out parchment and a quill.  She sneaked a glance at Ernie as Professor McGonagall began to talk, but he didn’t seem upset that she wasn’t sitting next to him.  At least, if he was, it didn’t show on his face.  He wasn’t looking at her.

Hannah couldn’t keep her mind on the class.  Of course, that wasn’t entirely new these days—they all, Professor McGonagall included, had plenty of things besides lessons to concern them—but this time it was for a different reason.  She felt mean.  Ernie had been really great about having sex, and he’d gone along with what had been, after all, her idea.  Even if she felt uncomfortable, she ought to at least talk to him.  She’d wanted to have sex with him because he was someone that she talked with easily, and she’d thought that they would be able to sort things out together.  Well, they could do that now, couldn’t they?  She could tell Ernie, maybe, that she felt a little strange about the whole thing, that she wasn’t sure if they should talk about it or act as if it hadn’t happened.  And they would decide together what to do, as they’d often done with other problems, and she would probably feel much better.

She wouldn’t tell him that she thought he looked weird, though.

They didn’t have a chance to talk that morning, but Hannah caught up with Ernie at lunch.  As uncomfortable as it still felt, she took the seat next to him at the Hufflepuff table.  “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” Ernie said.

This wasn’t the place to have a real conversation, of course, but she wanted to at least suggest that they talk later.  But somehow, looking at him, what she ended up saying was, “That was interesting, what Professor McGonagall was talking about in class this morning.”  She didn’t remember what Professor McGonagall had talked about in class.

“Yes, it was,” Ernie said.

“I…I’m glad we still have her classes,” Hannah said.  “At least there are some professors…”

Ernie nodded.  “Yes.  Professor Sprout too.  And Flitwick.”

They had had this conversation before; they each knew how the other felt about this.  It was pointless to talk about.  And yet Hannah somehow couldn’t make any other words come out of her mouth.  She looked at Ernie pleadingly, as if he might help her.

Ernie seemed as inarticulate as she was, however.  He stared at her dumbly for a moment, and then he turned back to his lunch with a mumbled, “Good sandwiches, aren’t they?”

“Yeah,” Hannah mumbled, turning to her own with a sinking feeling in her stomach.

She thought back to when she’d heard Parvati and the other girls talking.  She felt like she’d concentrated on all the wrong things.  She’d listened to what Parvati was saying about being glad she’d done it, in case she never got another chance.  And even though she’d thought about what Lavender was saying, about not doing it because there wasn’t anyone she really wanted to do it with, she’d brushed that aside.  She’d decided that just as long as she was with someone she knew well and liked and trusted, there wouldn’t be a real problem.  She’d been so stupid.

She hadn’t paid any attention when they’d talked about Terry—about the way that he wouldn’t even look at Parvati anymore.  Of course, Parvati said that she didn’t care about that, and maybe she really didn’t.  It wasn’t as though the two of them had been close before they’d had sex.  In fact, Hannah couldn’t remember ever seeing them exchange more than a few words.  When she’d thought about it, she’d chalked Terry’s awkwardness up to that: up to not knowing how to handle things with someone he really wasn’t all that close to.  When she’d told Ernie that she didn’t want to hurt their friendship, she hadn’t imagined something like what happened with Terry and Parvati.  She’d been thinking that maybe one of them would start to have feelings for the other or that the sex would go badly and they’d blame each other for it.  She hadn’t thought that she just wouldn’t be able to talk to him.  That she’d barely be able to be around him without feeling uncomfortable.  And that there wouldn’t be any real reason for it.  She hadn’t thought that something like that could happen between good friends.

That was the thing.  He was her good friend.  Or at least he had been.  She’d thought that if she was going to die, she wanted to have sex before that happened.  But now she knew that if she was going to die, she didn’t want to be alone in the days before that happened.  She didn’t want to have one of her best friends completely out of her life because they’d had sex and now they couldn’t talk to each other anymore.

But maybe it was going to be that way.

Maybe it wasn’t, though.  This was only the first day, after all.  Maybe after a couple of days she’d feel less uncomfortable.  She’d be able to talk to him like she normally did.  She’d stop thinking about how weird it was to have seen him naked.  Or maybe he’d talk to her instead, in a regular way rather than the stilted way they’d been doing, and she was sure that if he did that she’d be able to go along with it.  She wouldn’t feel awkward any more if he’d just give her a little bit of help.  And he probably would.  This was Ernie, after all.  Things would probably be fine.

When almost a week had gone by, though, Hannah had to admit that things were very much not fine.  They said hello, when they were in the same place.  If she needed to know something about the homework and there was no one else around to ask, she asked him.  If they had to do something together for the DA, they did it. 

But none of it really counted at all.

A part of Hannah kept telling her that she had to sit down with Ernie and really talk to him, that the longer she waited the worse things would get.  But the rest of her knew that she couldn’t do it.  The rest of her felt too strange, knew that everything was different than it had been.  The rest of her was sitting in a secluded corner of the Hufflepuff common room right now, trying hard not to cry.

“Hey, Hannah.”  Susan had taken a seat next to her.  “Have you seen Ernie?”

She couldn’t escape it.  “No…no, I haven’t.”  She sniffled.  “Sorry.”

Susan shrugged.  “It’s not important.  He borrowed my quill, that’s all.”  Obviously that didn’t mean anything; they’d all borrowed each other’s quills countless times over their years at Hogwarts.  Yet Hannah couldn’t help thinking, now, that he’d borrowed Susan’s because he couldn’t face talking to her to ask if he could borrow hers.  Susan looked at her face.  “Are you all right?  You’ve seemed a bit down.”

Susan was one of her best friends too, but Hannah didn’t want to tell her.  It was their business, after all, hers and Ernie’s.  Even if she’d ruined everything else, she could at least avoid shouting their private business all over the school and embarrassing both of them.  She didn’t want to lie to Susan either, though, so she shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Things are hard.”

Susan nodded.  “Yeah, it was a pretty stupid question.”  She squeezed Hannah’s shoulder.  “Is it your mum?”

“No,” Hannah said.  It wasn’t, but that didn’t make things any better.  Maybe she’d have been able to talk to her mum about all this; maybe her mum would have given her advice that would have stopped her doing anything so stupid in the first place or helped her figure out what to do now.  At the very least, she would have said something to make Hannah feel better.  She choked back a sob.  “It’s just…other stuff…It’s a bit complicated…I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Is it something you ought to tell me about, though?” Susan asked.  “Something dangerous or anything like that?”

“No,” Hannah said.  “No, nothing like that.  I promise.”

“Then you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t like,” Susan said firmly.  “Do you want to be alone?  Or would you rather I stay?”

“You can stay,” Hannah said.  “It’s all right.  Thanks for asking, though…Thanks for being so kind.”

“Of course,” Susan said, and Hannah didn’t know what that of all things should make her start to cry when she’d been trying so hard not to, but it did.  Susan still didn’t try to make her talk, though, and she didn’t say anything about everything being all right, which Hannah fervently appreciated.  She just put her arms around Hannah, hugging her tightly, and let her cry until she was all cried out.

“Thanks,” Hannah said at last, wiping her eyes.  “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Susan said.  “I don’t know exactly what it’s all about, but having a good cry would probably do us all a lot of good these days.”  She smiled at Hannah.  “And like I said, you don’t have to talk about it.  But if you want to, you know where to find me.”

“Yes,” said Hannah.  “One bed down from me.  Same as always.”  She smiled back at Susan and felt a little better.

She didn’t feel entirely better, though.  She would have to sort things out with Ernie, she knew, if she wanted that to happen. 

Still, Hannah kept making excuses not to do that.  Her excuses weren’t implausible; these were busy and difficult times, and it was hard to get a moment alone and apart from everyone else.  They’d obviously been able to do that, though, when they’d talked about having sex and eventually had it, and if they’d really wanted to now they could have gotten a moment alone again.  She wasn’t making the effort, she knew.  Not that Ernie was making it either.

If it weren’t for Professor Sprout, things  might have gone on in the same way indefinitely.  But one day after Herbology, which was the last class of the day, Professor Sprout asked for volunteers to stay and help her with some extra repotting, and Hannah raised her hand at once.  Anything was better than sitting around the common room, thinking about her own problems.  At least she could be useful here.

It was only when she heard Professor Sprout say, “Excellent.  Thank you, the both of you,” that she realized who else had raised his hand.  Ernie was staring at her, and from the look on his face, he wished very much that he could un-raise it.  Hannah knew how he felt.  They wouldn’t be alone, precisely, but being with just Professor Sprout seemed even more difficult.  They couldn’t lose themselves in a group; they’d have to act normally in front of her.  It wasn’t a very pleasant prospect, but they didn’t have a choice now.

The three of them set to work repotting, and they fell into uncomfortable small talk—about their classes, mostly.  They talked about the NEWTs, since it was supposed to be the year for them, after all.  The professors brought them up sometimes in class, but Hannah didn’t think that anyone really believed they would be taking them. 

“Oh, bother!” Professor Sprout said suddenly.  “I’ve left the rest of the larger pots in Greenhouse Two.  Excuse me a moment, you two.  I’ll go and get them.”  She was gone before Hannah or Ernie could respond.

They were silent at first.  She should say something, Hannah knew, now that she had the opportunity, but what?  Ernie’s voice broke the silence.  “Are you all right?”

How to answer that?  “Not really.”

“Did I do something wrong?” Ernie asked, and his voice sounded a bit panicky.  “I mean, when we…when we…”

“When we had sex,” Hannah finished.  They’d started now; she might as well say the words.  “No, you didn’t do anything wrong, Ernie.  It’s not that.”  She looked down at the plant she was repotting.  Easy to leave it there; easy to reassure him and not get into anything more.  Easy for the moment, perhaps, but not being able to talk to him made every day hard.  She took a deep breath and tried to think of a good way to put it.  She couldn’t.  “It’s just…oh, I’m sorry, Ernie, but it was really weird, that’s all!  You’re my friend, and it was weird doing that with you.  It wasn’t anything you did, but it just was and now I—”

“Oh, thank God,” Ernie burst in.  “Er, sorry.  Sorry to interrupt you.  It’s just…I’m glad it’s not anything worse.  And I’m really glad that I’m not the only one who thought it was really weird.”

His voice sounded so much more natural than it had any time they’d spoken since having sex that Hannah began to feel relieved already.  It wasn’t difficult to answer him.  “You’re definitely not,” she said.  “I…I sort of guessed that you felt strange about it too.  But what did you think I thought?”

“I don’t know,” Ernie said.  “I didn’t know what you thought.  I had no idea how to talk to you afterwards, because it had been so weird.  And then you weren’t talking to me either, and I got worried that you were really upset.  That I’d done something wrong.  And I wanted to ask you but then I wasn’t sure if you were upset, and I told myself that perhaps you’d just rather not talk about the whole thing, and then I kept feeling too weird to talk about it.  I was being an idiot, really.”

“No, you weren’t,” Hannah said.  “Or if you were, no more than I was, Ernie.  I had no idea if we were supposed to talk or just pretend it hadn’t happened…and I was so worried that we’d never talk again like we used to…I was afraid we’d ruined that.”

“So was I,” said Ernie.  “And Hannah, when I said it was really weird, I don’t mean you did anything wrong either, you know.  You are great and everything.  It’s just that we’re friends and I don’t—”

“I know,” Hannah cut him off.  “Believe me.  I feel one hundred percent the same way.”  She smiled at him.  “I’m the one who suggested it, so I can say it.  Having sex was a really, really stupid idea.”

Ernie nodded.  “Let’s never do it again.”

Hannah started to laugh at that—at the idea that he felt it necessary to say it when they’d both made their feelings more than clear.  She laughed, too, because she was happy: because they hadn’t ruined things after all, because they were friends, still.  Ernie started to laugh with her, and they were both still laughing when Professor Sprout came back to the greenhouse.  “What’s the joke?” she asked, and Ernie stumbled into some story about his aunt sending him some expired Acid Pops, which barely made any sense and just made Hannah laugh harder.

They walked back up to the castle together when they were finished helping Professor Sprout.  “I’m glad we talked,” Hannah said.

“Me too,” Ernie said.  They were quiet for a moment or two, and then he added, “It’s more important to me to have you as my friend, Hannah.  That is to say, since we did sleep together, I don’t think I’d say I regret it, and I’m not sorry that we won’t have to die virgins, if it comes to that.  Not now that we’ve talked things out.  But if we hadn’t talked, I probably would have regretted it…That’s what I meant.  It’s more important that we’re friends, especially now.”

Hannah had thought the same, of course, during those awful days of feeling alone.  She’d worried, then, not about dying a virgin but about dying without one of her closest friends in her life.  And it almost made her want to cry again to know that Ernie felt the same way.  It only proved the truth of what he was saying.

She smiled at him.  “Being friends is more important,” she said.  “And I’m glad that you’re mine.”


End file.
